59:365

Sunday was another quiet day around our house. Sean was playing one of his video games, and something on the screen really got Duke's attention... he sat right in this same spot and stared up at the tv for the longest time-- until I distracted him by taking his picture! It was really funny! We hung out with our friends Sean and Christine later Sunday night. It was nice.

58:365

I received this beautiful locket from some of Sean's family (aunts and cousins). I wore it tonight along with the adorable new jacket and I love it! It has Whitney's name engaved on the back, too. Today was another nice day... we went to a movie! Its been a long time since I've been to the movies. We saw "Shutter Island." Can I just say, that even after all these years, Leo DiCaprio is still just as cute as he was in "Romeo & Juliet" nearly 13 years ago? Well, he is! It was a pretty intense movie! After the movie, we went to church then came home and had a great turkey dinner that someone at the church made for us. It was yummy. We watched another movie, too... "Law Abiding Citizen." That was a great movie, too!

57:365

Today was Sean's day off work. We stayed in bed most of the day today and it was great! A lady from church brought us homemade cinnamon rolls that we popped in the oven for breakfast. Then we watched "The Hurt Locker" while drinking Caffe Verona coffee... at 8:30 in the morning! The movie is an Oscar nom... it was pretty good. Kinda slow in some parts, and the ending was kinda anticlimactic, but a good movie nonetheless. For dinner, our friends Jim & Linda took us out to California Pizza Kitchen. I just LOVE their Greek pizza (hold the mozzarella, extra feta, please). We had a great dinner with them. They asked us about Whitney, and we got to tell them all about our beautiful daughter, her birth and her memorial service. It was really nice to talk about her. I love sharing her memory with our friends. It was raining pretty hard off and on all day, but when Sean and I got home from dinner, he realized he had to make some copies of a key. (He needed them the next morning!) So in the pouring rain, we ventured to the hardware store. It was a lot of fun!! A successful day off together. :-)

56:365

My mamma had to leave today. The past two weeks have been such a blur, and they have gone by so fast. I am so glad she was able to be here for everything that happened. God's timing is absolutely perfect. I love that she got to hold her granddaughter. I love the mornings we had together, just sitting in our jammies, drinking coffee and watching "Regis & Kelly." I love all the projects we got to do together... tackling my closet, stocking up our freezer and scouting out succulents for a garden I am going to plant in memory of Whitney. I am just so thankful for my mom. She has been such an incredible blessing and joy to have with me at this time. I wish it were two months more that she had here!! My house is strangely quiet now, just me, Sean and the cats. Its lonelier now, just the two of us. But this is what getting back to life is.

55:365

Whitney came home today. Well, the funeral home brought us the urn with her ashes. I typed that sentence a hundred times, trying to come up with a better way to say it, but there just isn't one. Anyway I put it, it still sounds so cold. This is not the way we envisioned bringing our baby home. We envisioned her being healthy, whole, warm and breathing. But we didn't get that privilege. The funeral director came by our house today to personally deliver Whitney's ashes. After she left, mom and I sat at the kitchen table with our heads in our hands as we wept and held each other. This isn't the way it was supposed to be. A few minutes after the funeral director left, another knock came on our door and it was this beautiful bouquet of flowers... from Whitney's daddy. My hubby. Love of my life.

We placed the urn in this beautiful box. My mom had a friend of her's make it especially for us. I am going to put some of Whitney's other momentos in it, too. This is a close-up shot of the top of the box. My mom created the design for the top. It is absolutely beautiful. The tiny infant urn only takes up 1/4 of the box so there is room for the gown she wore, her foot prints, the lock of hair we took, and a few other special things.

My mom and I spent the entire afternoon in the kitchen making more food for our freezer. We made a huge double batch of Skyline chili, 4 meatloafs (mom's are the best!) and another HUGE batch of 16 breakfast burritos. If anyone is hungry for a breakfast burrito, come to our house! They're delish! I love having my mom here and am so sad she has to go home tomorrow. :-( Yesterday evening, the three of us played a game of Carcassone. I won, but only by two points. It was a good game... I took the above pic of Seal while we were playing. He loves to sit on Sean's lap and steal his little game pieces. This picture was just too cute to pass up.

54:365

My closet exploded all over my bedroom today! Mom and I took EVERYTHING out of my closet. I sorted through it and got rid of 3 trashbags full of clothes and two boxes full of other 'stuff' to take to Goodwill. And now I actually have enough hangers for all of our shirts! We went to Target to get some more organizational things (storage boxes, tie hangers and scarf hangers)... Have I mentioned how I love organizing things? Our closet looks awesome now! This afternoon, my boss came over and I got to share Whitney with her... we looked at pictures and I got to tell her all about my daughter. It was wonderful.

53:365

Today was a fun day! Mom and I went out this morning in search of some new shirts for her. We went to Kohl's and found a bunch of great clothes. I even found a GREAT jacket that I absolutely LOVE! Then we went over to Joann's. Mom found some fabric she's been looking for to finish David's quilt, and I got some more scrapbook paper for Whitney's album. I also got some thank-you notes with cute little baby feet on them. (Gotta get on those Thank-you's!) Then we went to In-N-Out for yummy lunch. While we were eating lunch, we decided to go get pedicures. Only problem was we both needed to shave our legs! Luckily Walgreen's was on the way. So mom ran in and got some disposable razors and we shaved our legs in the parking lots of Walgreen's! (All the while hoping no one pulled up beside us.) Phew, we were in the clear. So with smooth legs and no one the wiser, we went on to Aqua Nails to get our toes prettified. It was so nice and relaxing! We even splurged and got pretty flowers put on them. :-)

I don't usually get pedicures because I just don't really like my feet. Feet are weird to me in general. Kinda like knees... they're just knobby and odd. I'm not one of those people totally grossed out by feet, I just don't find much that is endearing about them. Well, all that changed the day our daughter was born. Like every mom does, I inspected every inch of her tiny body... counting her fingers and toes. When I got down to her toes, I discovered that she had the same toes as me... her second toe is bigger than her first!! I've never cared for that feature on my feet, but now, I absolutely love it. It reminds me of my daughter, something we share. And my mom has the same thing, too. Every time I look at my toes, I think of Whitney's perfect little tootsies and smile. That's what I kept thinking of the whole time I was getting a pedicure. Maybe I'll start getting those more often. :-)

Up tomorrow: tackling my closet. We're talking a serious purge!

52:365

Today has been a fabulously lazy Sunday. We went to lunch at Chili's then came home and pretty much just laid around all day. It was great. After 10 days, Seal finally discovered a new friend in my mom! He always gets right in the middle of anything you are doing. So tonight, he decided that mom's lap looked just as good as mine or Sean's!

51:365

Mom and I have been baking and cooking today! We made these awesome breakfast burritos for our new freezer... it was quite a massive assembly! Sean confirmed our success after he had one for breakfast. :-) And the strawberries you see in the background are for the fresh strawberry pie I made... it was the best yet! These strawberries were amazing... 2-3 inches around... just huge and delicious! Our day in the kitchen was not without mishap, though... I am a clutz and its nice to know mom is too sometimes.... she catapulted a spoonful of burrito filling while I dumped an entire baked pie crust into the sink! Ah, good times.

50:365

My dear friends where I used to work at LifeChoices sent me these beautiful flowers. I started crying when I saw who they were from... I love flowers... it was almost like they just came to my door and delivered them themselves. It makes the world feel smaller to get something from half way across the country. So I took a picture of them with our bunny. :-)

Tonight we also played on last game of Cities & Knights. At the end of the week, these were our scores of how much we'd won. You'll notice dad and I have half scores... that because we shared a victory... we said we'd play until 10 points or 10 o'clock, but when I reached 10 points everyone wanted to keep playing. So we did but dad came back and was ahead when it was quitting time at 10 o'clock! So we just said we both won. :-) Dad has to leave tomorrow.... :-( Its been so great having him here and sharing our memories of Whitney with him.

49:365

Tonight we played another great game of Settlers of Catan: Cities and Knights. We actually played two games because the first one was over pretty quick! Dad and Sean have been frequenting a fruit stand by our house and coming back with some delicious home-grown fruits and veggies. They both were snacking on some pink lady apples and the smacking was getting to mom... so this is the boys giving her a hard time about their loud eating habits. She kept asking if they were being loud on purpose! Nope, just the juicy apples! And those boys would never do anything to purposely annoy us girls! :-)

48:365

I think our kitties know when we are sad. I walked into our bedroom today and found the boys lying on either side of Whitney's bunny. This is an especially sweet photo because Duke is my kitty and he's laying on my side of the bed (right of screen); Seal is Sean's kitty and always lays on his side of the bed! They've loved having us home so much and are absolutely spoiled.
The morning that Whitney was born, we drove out of our neighborhood (on Whitney Avenue!) and saw these beautiful white flowers blooming on the trees. They weren't there the previous morning... it was like the popped out just to welcome her into our hearts. So beautiful. These trees have started to bloom all over town and they always make me think of her. This morning on our way out of the neighborhood, mom and I stopped to take a picture.

47:365

Today was Whitney's memorial service. It was absolutely perfect. We had originally planned on doing a memorial service at our church, but as the time got closer, I was just feeling more and more anxious about it. So we decided just to do something small with our family right now and later we will do something with our friends. Last night, I asked our parents and family to write a letter or poem to Whitney and we would read them at the memorial service. So this morning, mom and I got up and went to the store to get some pink balloons for us to release. Then, we all headed out to a park by our house. We found a beautiful spot by the lake and spread out our picnic blankets. We read our letters, and Sean and I read a couple of verses. We took some time to remember what we loved about Whitney and talk about the things that we would miss. Then, we released all the pink balloons. It was so beautiful and absolutely perfect.

46:365

I am going to break my "only one photo a day" rule again. But, this is my 365 project so I can do what I want, right? This special time in our life calls for more than one photo on some days. :-) Today was a tough day. We have been planning Whitney's memorial service, and it will be tomorrow. At first, we were going to do something at the church and invite all of our friends and family, but that just felt too overwhelming. I'm not ready to face that many people yet, and I was just dreading it. So we finally decided on something small, just with our family. I will write more about it tomorrow, but it is going to be perfect. And I am really at peace about what we've decided to do for a memorial service.

This morning, Sean and I went to BJ's Kountry Kitchen for breakfast... our favorite breakfast spot. Its weird being out and about with 'normal' people again... makes me wonder what other people are going through in their own worlds. Breakfast was great, as usual, and when we got home, Sean and his folks went hiking around Millerton Lake. (First picture at the top, right before they left to go hiking.)

Tonight, Jay and Roxanne fixed us dinner... it was so yummy! Grilled fish and potatoes! Then for dessert, mom and Roxanne made some DELISH apple crisp! Mmmmm it was yummy. (Middle picture) And just for good measure, I threw in the pic of Jay doing the dishes. I told him to "smile" as I was taking the picture and he replied, "I am smiling!" lol... oh yeah, guess he was! (Last picture above.)

It is so great to have our family here for a few days to pamper us and love on us. When I came home from the hospital on Friday, mom had cleaned my whole bedroom and bathroom. And it was a mess! She did all our laundry, and they've been cooking and cleaning for us non-stop. We are really feeling the love right now and loving it! Thank-you all!

45:365

Happy Valentine's Day! We were surrounded by most of the ones we love the most... our parents. It was a great day. Though there is of course still a great deal of sadness and big gaping hole where our baby girl should be, we are so blessed to be with our family right now. Sean's dad, Jay and Step-mom, Roxanne flew in yesterday from Ohio. Tonight, we put them all up to this new game we got from Sean's brother and sister-in-law. Its called Quelf. This is the PERFECT party game... I think you can play with up to 6 or 8 people. Anyways... it is hillarious. Let's just say it involved Sean playing the National Anthem through his nose, Sean pretending to be an ostrich while running circles around a beached whale, Jay was exiled to sitting underneath the kitchen table for a whole round, Dad had to say "I own you!" in a pirate voice anytime he looked someone in the eye, Roxanne had to keep her arms and legs out straight whenever it wasn't her turn, and I had to draw an elephant arm wrestling a rhinocerous. HILLARIOUS. Everyone was such great sports! It was fun!

44:365

Ding Dong time!! For as long as I can remember, my dad has LOVED Ding Dongs. Every night, he'd have a frozen ding dong and a glass of milk. Sometimes, when my mom would be away for a weekend, we'd get ding dongs and milk for breakfast. But shhhhhh... don't tell her that! Since they don't sell ding dongs in Egypt, we were sure to have a box in the freezer ready for him when he got here! I thought this picture of the family enjoying a ding dong and milk would be much better than my other option... me stuffing my shirt with frozen cabbage leaves and bags of frozen peas. (My milk has started to come in and man is it painful! Makes me miss my baby even more.)

43:365

Does the look on our faces say it all? We're leaving the hospital without our daughter. We just had a baby.... we are now parents. But our arms are empty. For now, at least. This is Whitney's bunny that we picked out just for her. We had great nurses and wonderful, compassionate care at the hospital, for which we are so greatful. I was dreading the ride home in silence... no car seat in the back. But the ride home was made a lot better than I thought because both my mom and sister were with us on the ride home. I can't say enough how thankful I am that they were with us through this all. So today starts a new kind of normal. Normal with a side of suck. Not sure when we'll be used to this new normal, because right now, I really don't like it. Sean told me today that I had better watch out, because when Whitney was born, his capacity to love grew exponentially. And without her here to actually love on, all that love is going to overflow to me! I told him I think I could handle that... and will really need it. We miss her so much. My dad flew in from Cairo, Egypt today. It was SO good to have him here. I am still in awe of how quickly he was able to get here. I love my dad so much, too.... I am just overwhelmed with how blessed I am by love.

42:365

Whitney Jill

February 11, 2010

12:58 p.m.

13.6 ounces

27 centimeters long

41:365

There is nothing like family. And I am so thankful for my family and the way they have completely rallied around Sean and me. This morning, I got up and wasn't really feeling much better than yesterday, but figured I might as well go to work since a whole day in bed yesterday didn't make me feel any better. All night last night I was having cramps, so I called my doctor's office right before I left for work, just thinking they would tell me to drink more water and take it easy since I'd been sick. Wrong-o. The nurse told me to go straight into Labor & Delivery. Yikes. I didn't have time for this to be happening... my mom was coming later tonight and I hadn't lifted a finger to clean anything all weekend. I called Sean and told him we had to go to the hospital. I was so not ready for this to be happening. We grabbed my bag and spent the next 6 or 7 hours in the hospital.

After an ultrasound, it was confirmed that Whitney had gone to heaven already. Words cannot describe the grief and sadness. I really believe that her fragile little body just could not handle my being sick. I believe she passed away late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning... when the contractions started coming regularly every 5 minutes. I begged our doctor to let us wait until tomorrow to deliver. Since I wasn't dialated and the contractions were tolerable, he let me go home. While we were at the hospital, Sean called my sister who immediately hopped on a plane from Phoenix. This was no small task for her... she has a 2 year old and a 3 month old as well as a very busy pastor hubby. But she worked it out so she was able to be here with me.

Mom was expecting to come spend time with me while I was still pregnant, but for some reason, unbeknownst to us, God chose this time for Whitney's birth. While I am totally not ready for this to be over, for Whitney to be gone, I am so glad my mom and sister could be here with me. Mom might not have been able to be here for Whitney's birth if it had happened later. The picture for today is of me showing mom and Megan all of the stuff we have for Whitney... her bunny, a book, things to put her footprints on, her gown, bracelet, etc. Our hearts are so heavy today, but we can't wait to meet our angel tomorrow.

40:365

Well, after 40 days of doing this, this is the first entry where I don't have a picture! I literally did not get out of bed all day long. I just layed in bed and slept or read. It was cloudy and rainy all day, which is the perfect kind of weather I love. Sean has been so good to me today... pampering me and bringing me soup and tea. He came home shortly after lunch today and stayed in bed with Whitney and me the rest of the afternoon and evening. It was a perfect family day, just the three of us, even though I wasn't feeling good at all. I wish today could have lasted longer. Sean talked to my belly while I read a book. I hugged my tummy while he played on the computer. It was a great day. Sorry I don't have a picture to remember it by! But just take my word for it, I won't ever forget this day!

39:365

Today, I got two very special packages in the mail. I was still feeling really crummy from my cold, but had to go to work anyways because we were short-staffed and I had a meeting out of town. So it was nice to come home and find some packages!! The first package was this beautiful gown from an online Angel baby mamma, Heidi. She has a group of friends that makes gowns especially for situations like our's. She also made the beautiful matching bracelets for Whitney and me, too! Now that we have her gown, I feel ready that if something should happen tomorrow, we have all that I wanted to make memories with her. But of course, I want all the time in the world that I can get with my dear daughter. Its just nice to finally feel as ready as I think we'll ever be.

The second package was a beautiful memory box that my mom had a friend of her's make for us. It is made out of exquisite woods, and she designed the carving for the top. It says, "Whitney Jill, forever in our hearts" and has two intertwined hearts at the top. I will post a picture on here another day. This evening, we also had several friends over. All the youth sponsors who were up at Hume Lake with Sean came over to watch the SuperBowl, since they had missed it. It was fun! Some of them had even gone the whole weekend without finding out the score! I am thinking I will stay home from work tomorrow, if I can. I just can't seem to shake this cold and cough! After our friends left this evening, Sean and I used our heartbeat monitor that we ordered online. We immediately found Whitney's precious, galloping heartbeat. It was so sweet.

38:365

Today was the superbowl! I think it was Supebowl 34. (No picture becaue I forgot to take one!) It was the New Orleans Saints versus the Indianapolis Colts. I really didn't care which team won, so it was a really good game. Since Sean was still up at Hume Lake with Jimmy and the Jr Hi group, I went up to Jim & Linda Corrao's house to watch part of the game. I stayed until about half time then came home and finished watching the game. I'm still not feeling so great, but it was a fun day to be with friends. For some reason, I thought Sean was coming home today, so you can imagine my disappointment when I realized he didn't get home until tomorrow!! Oh, well... just one more night. And I"m glad I haven't gone into labor or anything while he was up in the mountains! My biggest fear is that he'd have to zoom down the hill in the snow! Yikes!

37:365

My survival kit for this weekend. I was up all night feeling icky... my throat hurt so bad and kept making me cough... I got up numerous times to check every drawer and cabinet, but could not find a single cough drop or bottle of throat spray anywhere. Needless to say, that was my first stop at daylight. I had so much I wanted to do this weekend, too! Lots of cleaning and laundry to do before mom gets here on Wednesday! I was just too tired to move today. I hate days like taht... especially on weekends. Husband, I apologize in advance for the slack you may have to pick up that I dropped today. :-(

36:365

Yep. Matching sweatshirts. But don't worry... we didn't go out in public like this. I just pulled mine on for our photo o' the day, as Sean was heading out the door to hit the snow in the mountains. :-) We're not THAT couple. lol....

35:365

Slumber party in the living room! This is one of my favorite things that Sean and I do together. We started it way back when we lived in NC... we drag our mattress out into the living room and camp out in front of the TV for the night, catching up on DVR and movies. (OK, and sometimes we leave it there for a good part of the next day....) The kitty boys love to join us, too. Duke is in the picture, but Seal is already hiding under the covers, to the left of the photo! Tonight, we watched LOST! I am so confused.....

34:365

I was sitting on the couch this evening with one grey beast at my feet. After reading some of my blogs in Google Reader, I looked down at my feet and much to my surprise, an orange beast had joined him! What? When did that happen? I must have been really in to my blogs. Its been a nice lazy evening. Sean's playing XBox and I'm just putting around online. Tomorrow we have a dr. appt. with Dr. D, then its the weekend for me! (Well, after work tomorrow, of course!)

33:365

Lost Final Season premiere tonight!! (We are currently watching the season finale from last year, hence the thing that says "Next Tuesday"... which really means this Tuesday-- tonight!) However, we are both incredibly tired so I think we'll let DVR do the watching tonight, and catch it tomorrow. West coast time is a bummer. Central is by far the best for watching TV... all shows done by 10 pm! Even though 11 o'clock is just one hour later, it seems so much later! Also, can you see my pretty new artwork in this pic? Its the 3 beside the TV... I got them this weekend... much better than the previous pictures I had hanging there. And see that little cabinet in the corner? I have plans for that little thing... painting it, adding some bun legs (stained a dark wood) and some kind of top for it. Then accessories, hiding our DVDs and electronics in it... will be great! THEN I can accessorize the mantel finally! (I painted that this past weekend.)

32:365

That's my beautiful sister and her sweet family... today is her birthday! Happy Birthday sister! I hope to see you soon! THey live just outside of Phoenix, AZ... aren't my nieces just adorable, too?? (I snagged this pic from her Facebook... kinda creepy how you can do that, yeah?) Anyways... hope you have a wonderful birthday!!