Early this morning (at 2 a.m.) I had to take Sean to the ER. He had surgery on both ankles when he was younger, and in recent weeks its been hurting him more and more. Last night, he woke up and couldn't even walk. The pain was too much for us to wait until morining when Urgent Care opened. We went to the same hospital where Whitney was born, and of course it brought back a lot of memories. Strangely, they were good memories (well, as good as they could be). While we were waiting, Brahm's Lullaby came over the speakers, meaning a baby had just been born. It made me wonder if they played the music when Whitney was born. I don't think they did. I miss WHitney so much right now. I feel like I had a couple of decent months, especially considering I started back to work and several of my close friends have welcomed newborns in those months. But now... I'm at a loss again. Questions of the future haunt me... Will we ever get our chance to drive to the hospital in the middle of the night with a car seat in the back? Will they ever play a lullaby over the loudspeaker for our baby? Will we ever leave the hospital as a bigger family than when we entered? Such a vacant hole fills my heart.
After a really long night of waiting and waiting amongst a bunch of crazy and sick people, I left to go find a bathroom. (No way was I going to use one in the hospital!) So I drove to Starbucks, and on my way back to the hospital, I drove a little past where I usually turn in... towards the mountains. I started driving down the road, and the sun was just behind the mountains, its rays already spilling over the summit and onto the valley below. Less than a minute or two later, the sun was cresting above the peaks. Morning had come. I wish I could say that it made me feel all better, that my heart no longer hurt or felt broken. But it didn't. I still hurt. There's still a hole. But seeing the rising sun did remind me that Jesus is light, and light- by its very nature- floods the darkness, consumes it. (I snapped a picture on my cell phone, thus the poor quality of the photo.)
Lord, I know some day your light will flood even the darkest corners of the hole in my heart. Please hasten that day! For now, though, I will rest in knowing you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Thank you for the reminder of your unfailing love, but please God, please... show me the way I should go. I helplessly lift up my soul to you.
PS- We're not really sure what is wrong with Sean's foot... it is probably something that has to do with the implants he has in both ankles and will need surgery again. He goes to an orthopedist in a few weeks and we'll know more. :-(
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